Rust

A Coward, a hypocrite. How does one come to this point. I have heard somewhere that courage is  like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. On the contrary, for a person who constantly suppresses his aggression. Eventually, aggression disappears even when he wants it.

At the core of all this, is the need to stay away from conflicts with others. Angst is suppressed to avoid conflict with a person. But why suppress at all ?

This arises from an insecurity. That is in case, if we are in need and in that situation we may not be able to approach that person whom you have created conflict with. Basically comes from the thought that you can’t handle things alone by yourself. That’s at the core.

Not just aggression, even disagreements. Cannot disagree with the other person, as they may think you are against them, because they won’t help us in a tough situation. That’s because you can’t handle situations alone. Because you think you are incapable of handling it. Over time you start agreeing with shit, non sense spewed out by others just to avoid conflict.  With a Smile on your face. Over the time you become an ear for people to bitch about others. Cause you listen without a disagreement, worse, you give a little insight to make it believable and convincing to the other person. Now, you go to the person, the earlier guy was bitching about (not to create conflict b/w them, with no malicious intent) . Do the Same. Repeat. You end up becoming a hypocrite. By agreeing to everyone and everything they say.

Being a hypocrite(my type of hypocrite) comes from the thought of avoiding conflict. Because you don’t have courage to face a tough situation alone which is a reflection of your insecurity. Which occurs because you think you are incapable.

This effects your integrity, self respect as a person. You start doubting fundamental things about yourself. Corruption at the deepest level. A rust. Corrosion.

Perception forms from your own history. The past is the prologue.

Have you ever achieved something by doing something all by yourself ?

Except for getting a job as a CS agent, in AMZN. What have done anything all by yourself ? May be you did a few, don’t fret too much. But did nothing significant.

How do you think you could get your courage back, face the world with braveness. If you still depend on others for everything. Would you get it by doing Yoga, meditation ? Reading books ?

Nope. By doing something all by yourself. By being good at something.

Something small, but something significant for you on your personal level. Need to do something all by my self.

I am also talking about getting in shape, get those tits off!! my man. It's time. Thats a start. Improve your vocab. Thats a second. Get good at what you do everyday at your work. Write a good page of that story idea you had since long time. Just to get it off your chest. No big writer here, remember. Small habits.Thats all for now. 

Signing off…..